I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb – and I’m not blonde either.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen. 

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know, I’m never there!

Love is something sent from heaven above to worry the hell out of you.

My weaknesses have always been food and men – in that order.

I think everyone should be with who they love. I don’t want to be controversial or stir up a bunch of trouble but people are going to love who they are going to love. I think gay couples should be allowed to marry. They should suffer just like us heterosexuals.

I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain!

They think I’m simple-minded because I seem to be happy. Why shouldn’t I be happy? I have everything I ever wanted and more. Maybe I am simple-minded. Maybe that’s the key: simple.

I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile, give’em yours!

 Storms make trees take deeper roots.

Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.