Alt-popper panicbaby balances heartbreak with hope on her debut EP, “f u jonathan”. As she rounds off her first sold-out headline tour, she leaves her ego at the door and dives deep with Wonderland. 

Dramatic, daring, pleading, and emotionally exhausted, panicbaby’s vocals enter the chat. Charged by a central seductive bassline and trickling string arrangement, the songstress buries heartbreak and prays to forget on a new sultry single, “get naked”. Questioning whether love is worth it, she unravels pieces of her soul through diary-like storytelling. 

Released earlier this year, just in time for Valentine’s Day, her introspective, critically acclaimed debut EP “f u jonathan” thrives on vulnerable revelations delivered over her signature alt-pop soundscapes. “I’m living my personal dream,” she says breathlessly, as if she still finds the truth unfathomable, sitting opposite me on a couch at Shoreditch’s Bread & Butter. 

Pulling off the 90s black Juicy Couture sweatpants set, as if she crawled out of the good old Tumblr days, panicbaby feels overwhelmed with gratitude, walking the streets of London between studio sessions as she had always dreamed of. There is passion and hunger behind her eyes after tasting the golden rush of performing, with her recent first-ever headline tour across Europe sold out, and UK shows supporting Ari Abdul with a stop at London’s EarTH giving her the itch for grander stages. 

“Initially, I didn’t plan to do anything live. I wanted to be a music person on the Internet and share my music there,” panicbaby opens up to Wonderland, admitting live performance wasn’t something she had envisioned for herself. Hiding behind the title of a songwriter, panicbaby has risen from behind the scenes, dismissing self-doubt and instead trusting her creative vision, as much as her team does. 

She sings through the agony of always being the one who loves more and fights until the very last minute of a fading situation. Building on personal experiences, panicbaby initially drew attention with her painfully relatable single, “Claw Marks”, released last summer. Making the iconic analogue synthesiser from the 1980s, the Ommichord, a crucial element of her signature, addictive sound, “Claw Marks” quickly established her as a talent giving a voice to other broken hearts. 

From the deep corners of the Internet, ahead of her new single release, panicbaby spills in an interview with Wonderland about how petrified she felt about being a solo artist, and how, despite the anxiety, she stands tall, navigating her new path one step at a time. 

Listen to “get naked”…

Read the interview…

Do you feel vulnerable as an artist?

I think when I started to post the music online, there was so much love coming in, I didn’t get any negative comments or messages in the beginning. It was really just good for my self-esteem and it made me feel really appreciated. If you’re posting something really sad and then people are so nice to you, it feels healing.

The past few months have been very busy. You released your debut EP, “f u jonathan,” sold out your first headline tour, you supported Artemas and Ari Abdul across UK dates. How are you handling all of this?

I’m living my personal dream, it’s what I always wanted to do. I’m really happy and excited about all of it. Sometimes I do get a little stressed, but I think that’s not by those things, it’s more the organisation around what stresses me out.

Do you feel like you have a good team around you?

Yes, I love my team. They’re not your stereotypical label, which would try to change you and tell you what to do. They really listen to me so much, and that’s given me a lot of confidence as well. Whilst working with them, I realise that I’m not doing this alone. They’re people who really support my vision and are excited about what I do. They never question me. For example, the Artemas shows that it was maybe the third or fourth performance I ever did. When we got the green light, I thought to myself, I can’t perform for 3,000 people, but my label was only supportive, and that made me think, if they think I can do this, I probably can.

Now that you’ve done more shows, do you feel more confident?

For sure. The first time, I was thinking, what if I literally faint on stage? But at the first show I realised this is my favourite thing to do. Initially, I didn’t plan to do anything live.  I wanted to be a music person on the Internet and share my music there. So when the label started the conversation that I should be doing shows, I thought I could try, and if anything goes wrong, I don’t have to do it again. But standing on the stage, I knew I wanted to do this all the time. So then I was really excited for the next shows. Now I’m more nervous because I’m not so nervous.

Did you feel fear of failure around becoming a solo artist? What changed and how come panicbaby exists?

For the last few years, I was really giving in to my fears, which is why I was only doing songwriting. I thought there was no way I could try. But a lot of change happened in my life at the beginning of last year. I realised that when you suppress your wishes and desires, you become not a nice person. I realised I had become a bit bitter. I feel like there is a blockage when you’re not allowing yourself to be who you want to be. I don’t want to become someone when I’m older, who regrets and says I should have done this, knowing I never tried.

What is the meaning behind your stage name panicbaby?

I’m very fear influenced. I was a very anxious teenager. I think anxiety and angst are a huge part of my life. I’m also quite a scared person. That’s what I relate to, constantly being terrified.

As panicbaby, were there any moments when you questioned yourself and why you’re pursuing this career?

Of course. All the time. Sometimes I have these moments where I’m like, is that me doing this? I’m very happy, and it’s very surreal. I want to do everything all at once and go as fast as possible. I sleep very little. I will say, though, it’s a lot of work and stress, but at the end of the day, I get to do this, and I’m so grateful for that.

How did you find your way to songwriting?

I always wanted to be a singer, always, always. I was always writing songs and poems. Then, at some point, I went into songwriting because it was an easier path in terms of you don’t have to risk so much of yourself, and you don’t have to get everything on one card.

Do you play your music to people or do you prefer to sit with it?

I write my snippets, and sometimes I share them online. I share most of my stuff with my sister as well. My music is very emotional and very, very personal to me. There’s nothing in it that is not me because that feels really wrong. But then, when it’s done, I want to make the songs as good as possible, and I try not to have an ego about that. So I’m asking for feedback because I want the songs to translate and be able to help people understand what I’m saying. To be able to connect with them.

How did you come up with the concept for your hit track “Claw Marks”?

There’s a quote from a book by David Foster Wallace. It was always on Tumblr, everywhere, “everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” I’ve had it in my concept folder for I can’t even tell you for how long, ever since I was on Tumblr.  I always wanted to write something about that because I relate to it so much. The fact of always being the one who’s holding on,  the one who loves more, that’s more emotional. So when I started writing for myself, that’s what I got into.

Did you expect it to go so viral?

I’m not sure what I expected. I think I expected very little for myself in many regards. I probably wouldn’t have allowed myself to dream of that.

Your debut EP, “f u Jonathan,” is he real?

Yeah.

Is he aware that this collection of songs exists?

Probably.

What did you let go of on this EP?

I let go of holding on to the idea of someone. I’m trying to let go of being angry about that and being resentful.

You wrote “f u Jonathan” last autumn, so it’s all very recent. How does it feel performing those songs?

One part of it is that it gives you a lot of dopamine, and it’s so fun. But then also there’s this one bridge in “soft prn” where there is a talking bit coming from the speakers,  and that makes me feel sad. But then I look around as I’m singing, and telling my sad story everywhere all over Europe. It feels rewarding in a way. It’s also horrible to think about so many people who can relate and have had a similar thing happen to them.

The cover art for your new single “get naked” is an image of you with a hairstyle similar to Priscilla Presley, were you inspired by her style?

In a way, I’m quite inspired by the 60s, and if you think about that doll aesthetic, the sad starlet type, they were sad. Women during that time were always so dressed up. I think I’m inspired by that, being dressed up on the outside and then being very sad on the inside. With Priscilla, there was a lot of glamour, but then a lot of hidden darkness on the inside.

“get naked” was released shortly after the EP. Does it symbolise a new chapter?

I think it does in a way. The whole EP has a thread; thematically, it’s one-dimensional, all about what’s happening after this one emotion. But the reason why we released “get naked” so close to the EP, is simply because I want to release music all the time, and I have so many songs, I want to put them all out right now.

Can we expect a new single soon?

A new single is coming out on May 1st. It’s a feature with Baby Nova.

What’s your mission for the rest of the year?

I’m going to release another EP. I want to do another tour. I’m thinking if I want to start working on an album, that would be such a big thing to me.

Words – Karolina Kramplova