I Never Thought I’d Be Wearing a Toupee at 46, But Here We Are

I found out a long time ago how cruel the internet can be. Such is life for someone who’s been a very online writer for decades. But I received an especially stinging reminder about a year and a half ago when I posted a video about cutting off and donating a foot of my hair. The consensus among a pretty ample chunk of the commenters—and I’m paraphrasing: “Cute bob, but you’re going bald.”

My hair has been thinning for most of my forties (as of writing this, I’m creeping up on 47), and I chalked it up to… well… my forties. I thought that was just a thing that happens, especially if perimenopause kicks in. And it can be—but the thinning just kept getting more apparent. Then, last January, after months of serious symptoms I thought were unrelated to my hair loss, I was diagnosed with lupus. Not only is lupus known to cause hair loss in some patients, but one of the medications I was prescribed to manage it—an oral form of chemotherapy—definitely wasn’t helping me hold on to what I’ve got.

Initially, I was in denial about just how noticeable it was, even blowing it off as a sales pitch when a dermatologist brought up a hair-loss supplement unsolicitedly. But I couldn’t ignore just how visible my scalp was starting to become at my hairline, the contrast between my dark brown hair and pale skin seemingly emphasizing the thinning. From certain angles, it was like peering into a sparse forest in the middle of winter. And then I happened to see a video that showed the top of my head, and the extra-wide part and patchiness from obvious hair loss stopped me in my tracks.

I am, of course, exploring my options for attempting to regrow my hair and stop losing so much of what I have. For example, I’m a couple of months into taking prescription oral minoxidil in the form of apple-flavored gummies from Hers. But it can take a while to see results from minoxidil (some people wait as long as six months to see signs of regrowth), so I’m left trying to find ways to feel more confident with a fraction of what used to be ample. (When I tell you my long, thick hair was my entire personality when I was a child, I’m not exaggerating.)

A look at my scalp pre-topper.

Courtesy of author

I got bangs! I vowed to become more of a hat person, adding a few dad caps and a Stetson to my wardrobe. Then, I ordered some inexpensive, pre-tied headscarves in hopes that I might look chic and not like I’m wearing a half-assed Little Steven Halloween costume. But sometimes you just want to look like you have more hair, period. I didn’t feel like a candidate for a full wig—and as a theatre nerd, I already know I don’t love wearing them—so when the concept of a topper was brought to my attention, I immediately leaned in.

Let’s be so for real right now: A topper is, for all intents and purposes, a toupee. That’s a very unglamorous way to put it, I know. Toupees are typically thought of as a solution for bald men, not women—and not a particularly believable solution either. They’ve been visual punchlines for as long as any of us can remember; if the mere mention of toupees made you think of Stan from The Golden Girls or the grandfather from Christmas Vacation, you’re not alone. But a topper, aside from its somewhat similar name, is aimed at those of us with longer hairstyles, and unlike a toupee’s typical adhesive, it clips on to the hair you already have.

“A topper is ideal for anyone experiencing medium to advanced thinning,” says Haven Whiteman, a hairstylist and extension specialist with Luxy Hair. The brand, best known for their clip-in and halo extensions, also makes human-hair Remy toppers in more than a dozen colors. “Unlike clip-in wefts, toppers are designed to add coverage and density across the top of the head, sides, and crown—areas where thinning is most noticeable.”

Picking a color is taking a pretty pricey gamble—a $200 one if you’re lucky enough to catch them on sale. (Some companies offer to match you based on a photo, while others let you order a swatch for a few bucks.) Even though I kind of knew what to expect when I received a few toppers to try gratis because of my job, I was still taken aback by how they kind of look like disembodied scalps, with a firm, mesh base hiding under the hair. But as weird as that is, I had to appreciate how realistic they look; I was especially impressed by the quality of the feel and nuanced color. But I wasn’t so sure it would look realistic on.

Although you can wear it right out of the box, Whiteman says human-hair toppers can be customized just like your own hair. I turned to my stylist, Billy Hannam at Anushka Spa & Salon in Palm Beach, to help me figure out how to make these toppers look like I’m… not wearing one. He’s been helping me shape my existing hair to seem as not-scant as possible, so I trusted him to transform them into a natural-looking part of my shaggy, layered style. After comparing three toppers, we spent my appointment focused on a dark brown, 12-inch long style with pre-cut bangs by Irresistible Me, a brand that also uses human hair for their toppers, extensions, and wigs. The color was an outrageously perfect match, and the bangs would make it easier to blend into my existing cut.

Hannam worked his magic to blend my natural hair and topper.

Courtesy of author

Hannam used the three clips on the underside of the piece to position it on top of my head, and as soon as he did, I was amazed by how completely decent it looked. It was immediately obvious that, with a little bit of expert cutting and shaping—which he did while I was wearing it—it was going to look like I simply had more hair. Hannam spent most of the appointment aligning it with my existing layers and using a little heat to get my texture and the topper’s texture to match. And yes, you can use heat on human-hair toppers just like you would with your own hair.

“Heat styling, always helps blend the hair once installed,” Whiteman says. “If you wear your hair straight, straighten the strands of the topper just like you would your own hair, and the same thing goes if you typically wear waves or curls.”

Toppers can hold styles for a surprisingly long time, especially with a little light-hold hairspray. That said, you may wonder if you’ll need to wash your topper if it starts getting gunky. The short answer: Yes, but not often. “Only wash when absolutely necessary. Product buildup is usually the only reason to cleanse,” Whiteman tells Allure. “Dry shampoo should be your go-to for regular refreshes between washes.” With that gentle care and proper storage—you can keep it right in the box it comes in—a topper worn daily can last a good six months before it starts looking kind of dingy.

Personally, I don’t plan to wear it every single day, so it will last even longer, which is nice considering human hair toppers like those from Luxy and Irresistible Me go for several hundred dollars. (Many of the higher-quality synthetic options are just as pricy, but you might find that they’re even more ready-to-wear if you have a specific style.) I work from home, and even when I do venture out, I might be in the mood for a hat or a scarf or just feeling OK about the way things look up there. But for special occasions? I’m breaking this out of its cute little box every time. And it’s super easy to put on, so I won’t need to call in a professional every time.

Here I am post-styling with my topper.

Courtesy of author

It wasn’t a particularly special occasion when I was hanging out with some theatre friends the evening after Hannam first installed my topper, but it definitely felt pretty special when several people, unaware of what they were looking at, told me how great my hair looked. “Thanks,” I replied gleefully. “It’s a toupee!”

OK, so I need to work on accepting compliments about my topper. Step one: Don’t call it a toupee. Step two: Maybe don’t even mention I’m wearing a topper. After all, it’s doing exactly what I want it to do—make it look like I naturally have more hair.

Read more about hair loss:

• I Tried Everything to Treat My Hair Loss
• The Best Products for Thinning Hair to Create Fullness and Lift
• 10 Best Hair-Growth Serums, According to Board-Certified Dermatologists