Welcome toDoing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, we hear from six porn-watching women on what they like about adult entertainment.

“Porn is for men who need to keep busy whenever their wives aren’t having sex with them.” Growing up, this is the refrain I heard from my friends. I confided in a couple of them when I discovered it while streaming the internet one day after I typed in the words “boobs.” It was my first foray into the world of viewing strangers having sex and set a strange precedent for my impressions on how it’s all supposed to work.

For instance, I remained in the dark for years about what an orgasm looked like and the steps to making it happen for myself. When I reflect on the porn I watched, I’ve realized that much of it puts an extreme emphasis on the male gaze and pleasure — the deeply heternormative kind of porn where you just know that the script, the storyline, and the actors are all extensions of a man’s fantasy and how he ultimately perceives women. It’s exclusively made with cisgender men as the target audience. I grew up on porn that focused heavily on cum shots, aggressive blow jobs, and anal sex — you know the drill.

Based on what I know about sex in our society and countless conversations I have had, I’d be willing to bet this is a familiar experience for many readers. In learning and unlearning a lot about my own body, I often wonder why I like the kind of porn I like and, these days, I try to push myself outside my comfort zone. It feels exciting to get into characters, plot lines and the surroundings and to discover gay porn, erotic literature, and audio porn. I’m invested in finding a storyline that works for me.

I was curious if anyone else felt differently about porn now than when they first started watching or if they’re still not into it at all.

Gigi

Gigi Fong, 27-year-old writer in Los Angeles, discovered her favorite porn format on Tumblr, where she found audio-based erotica — now a staple in her sex life. But it wasn’t always that way.

“I come from a religious background that only discussed porn in reference to sermons on ‘porn addiction,’” says Gigi. “I definitely fell victim to that mindset and still struggle with shame from time to time.”

But as someone who had a brief stint creating porn herself, Gigi found ways to appreciate her own sexuality. “I made a pact to not have sex with people who suck,” she says. “Ironically, I’ve struggled to find viable sexual partners since. Thankfully, porn has allowed me to keep my sex life alive and thriving during this major life transition.” She says that she is currently celibate and watches porn as a form of foreplay and way to connect with herself. When speaking with Allure, Gigi heavily encourages anyone consuming porn to pay for it.

Yutheeka

Adult content creator Yutheeka Borkar shares a similar sentiment. She finds that working in this industry has caused her to be very cautious about the content she consumes. She goes out of her way to indulge in ethical porn, consuming only consensual porn from websites where she is a premium subscriber.

“I know very well how leaks can happen,” the Goa-based creator explains. “You don’t know what you’re watching or consuming on the free sites, [or] if it’s done with consenting adults. I have huge respect for anybody who’s in this industry.”

For her personal porn consumption, Yutheeka prefers amateur performances. “It’s a mix between a dominating kind of porn and self pleasure.” she says, adding that she currently views porn solo but hopes to someday engage in watching it with a partner.

Samriddhi

Others prefer BDSM and related porn genres, including Samriddhi, a 22-year-old student who particularly enjoys videos centered on humiliation and punishment. This understanding came after an initial stint of shame.

“The porn I am into involves females in a submissive position and that made me feel ashamed of myself,” Samriddhi says. “It took me a while to make myself understand that I should not be ashamed of my kinks.” The 22-year-old student highly recommends puretaboo.com.

Armaan

Another person who responded to my call is Armaan Dode, who reminisced to me about the first time she watched porn. “I went over to a family friend’s house, who was also Muslim,” she says. “We downloaded naked pictures of [World Wrestling Entertainment] wrestlers on Limewire.”

Growing up, Armaan sometimes watched porn on the family computer. While she found these videos exciting, she admits to feeling immense guilt over her enjoyment. “I thought that God was going to hate me for finding these images exciting,” she tells Allure. “I would repress so many of my feelings that repression turned into a deep depression and sadness until much later.”

“When I started taking guilt and shame away from my feelings of self pleasure, I understood how important masturbation really was,” Armaan says, who now works as a content creator in New York City and enjoy watching amateur videos, especially ones featuring men of color kissing one another.

Charlie

Charlie* holds a distinct “must-have” pertaining to the appearance of the actors, rather than the specific acts they perform, for a porn to spark joy: She needs the men to look “sweet.”

“If they are too strong, too aggressive, I find it is so unattractive to me,” says Charlie, a 41-year-old therapist living in Las Vegas.

Charlie’s porn-watching adventures began in college, when she found her imagination no longer served her during masturbation. “Nowadays, I like the female-friendly ones, but before they were around, I only enjoyed the LGBTQIA+ content,” she explains. “I usually search for ‘female real orgasms,’ and whatever comes from that search, I usually enjoy.”

A sad reality for many young people is that there is a huge lack of safe spaces to explore one’s sexuality as they’re growing up. This is especially true for queer people of color, who face unique challenges and compounding biases as a result of multilevel marginalization. What started off as shame had somehow along the way evolved into a heightened understanding of sex, body autonomy and pleasure.

Cristina

Cristina*, a 34-year old-lawyer, is rewriting her relationship with porn as she reflects on whether her sexual preferences are based on what she truly likes or if these preferences are simply internalized from what she’s seen depicted in porn.

“90% of porn out there is created by a small group of people from a narrow perspective, and I personally don’t want to get too influenced by that,” says Cristina.

In an effort to avoid common tropes in porn videos, Cristina opts to engage in subversion erotic content, relying exclusively on music and erotic stories that focus on feminism, storytelling, and narratives that challenge mainstream pornography.

Where to go for (good) porn

If you’re interested in exploring the world of pornography but feel overwhelmed even trying to navigate it, that’s understandable; it is truly massive and practically endless, and for every genre you like, there may be a half-dozen that don’t appeal to you whatsoever. Not sure where to start? Allure writer Sophie St. Thomas vetted and compiled a list of 22 feminist-friendly porn sites.

As of 2023, there are more independent porn producers than ever before, with studios — such as Pink and White Productions, whom Allure profiled in 2019 — creating content centered on queer experiences and focused on casting that is inclusive of all skin tones, gender identities, and body types and size. There are also countless audio erotica websites for those who prefer to ingest adult content exclusively through sound.

Or, for those who do not find porn appealing but are nevertheless interested in conversations about sex and erotica, there are many artists focused on just that. A personal recommendation is Hysterical Literature, a video art series by New York City photographer and filmmaker Clayton Cubitt exploring the contrast between culture and sexuality.

As a society, our collective sexual efforts can be summed up in one word: more. We are always wanting more — but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It means that we are creative in our pursuit of the perfect adult entertainment. Whether it’s an erotic group chat spurred from a SubReddit, an endless scroll of sexy GIFs (RIP Tumblr), hentai, an audio clip of some Harry Styles-like voice slowly whispering into your ear, or artsy video pieces simply critiquing porn, there’s something for everyone.

*Name has been changed