{"id":1810854,"date":"2026-03-06T10:28:00","date_gmt":"2026-03-06T07:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/?p=1810854"},"modified":"2026-03-06T10:28:00","modified_gmt":"2026-03-06T07:28:00","slug":"how-to-date-when-youre-a-people-pleaser","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/?p=1810854","title":{"rendered":"How to date when&#8230; you\u2019re a people pleaser"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[analyse_image type=&#8221;featured&#8221; src=&#8221;https:\/\/images-prod.dazeddigital.com\/1200\/127-0-1620-1080\/azure\/dazed-prod\/1430\/8\/1438515.png&#8221;]<\/p>\n<article class=\"main-article standard \">\n<div class=\"article-main-content article-wrapper has-media-but-its-an-image\" data-status=\"loaded\" data-primary-article=\"true\" data-url=\"\/life-culture\/article\/69723\/1\/how-to-date-a-people-pleaser-beth-mccoll-love-relationships-boundaries\" data-article-id=\"69723\">\n<header class=\"article-header has-landscape-image no-media\">\n<div class=\"wrapper dg-max-width\">\n<div class=\"inner\">\n<figure class=\"main-img has-figcaption\" data-img-aspect-ratio-type=\"landscape\" data-img-aspect-ratio=\"1.78\" data-template=\"Standard Article\"><span class=\"has-css-custom-props image-container\" data-aspect-ratio-type=\"landscape\"><span class=\"preserve-aspect-ratio\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" alt=\"HowToDateWhen 16x9\" class=\"img\" height=\"1080\" src=\"https:\/\/images-prod.dazeddigital.com\/1400\/azure\/dazed-prod\/1430\/8\/1438515.png\" width=\"1920\"><\/span><\/span><figcaption class=\"img-caption\"><span class=\"inner\"><span class=\"credit\">Harvey Wood<\/span><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<aside class=\"meta\">\n<div class=\"inner\"><time datetime=\"2026-03-06T10:28:00+00:00\" class=\"timestamp\" title=\"06 March 2026\"><span class=\"month\">March<\/span>\u00a0<br \/>\n<span class=\"day\" data-day=\"6\">6,<\/span>\u00a0<br \/>\n<span class=\"year\">2026<\/span><\/time><\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<div class=\"titles\">\n<div class=\"tags\">\n<div class=\"sections\"><a class=\"category vertical - life-culture\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/life-culture\">Life &amp; Culture<\/a><br \/>\n\/<br \/>\n<a class=\"series\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/how-to-date-when\">How to date when&#8230;<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"standard-tag-container\"><a class=\"standard-category\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/life-culture\">Life &amp; Culture<\/a> \/<br \/>\n<a class=\"standard-series\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/how-to-date-when\">How to date when&#8230;<\/a><\/div>\n<h1 class=\"title\"><span>How to date when&#8230; you\u2019re a <span class=\"nowrap\">people pleaser<\/span><\/span><\/h1>\n<div class=\"standfirst\">\n<h2>Do you struggle to share your wants and needs with your partner? Here, Beth McColl shares her best advice for getting comfortable with asserting yourself in <span class=\"nowrap\">a relationship<\/span><\/h2>\n<\/div>\n<p><time datetime=\"2026-03-06T10:28:00+00:00\" class=\"timestamp\" title=\"06 March 2026\"><span class=\"month\">March<\/span>\u00a0<br \/>\n<span class=\"day\" data-day=\"6\">6,<\/span>\u00a0<br \/>\n<span class=\"year\">2026<\/span><\/time><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><time datetime=\"2026-03-06T10:28:00+00:00\" class=\"timestamp\" title=\"06 March 2026\"><span class=\"month\">March<\/span>\u00a0<br \/>\n<span class=\"day\" data-day=\"6\">6,<\/span>\u00a0<br \/>\n<span class=\"year\">2026<\/span><\/time><\/p>\n<div class=\"providers\">\n<div class=\"contributors\"><span class=\"contributor\" data-contributor-role=\"Text\"><span class=\"contributor-role\">Text<\/span><a class=\"contributor-name\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/user\/bethanymccoll\">Beth McColl<\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/header>\n<div class=\"article-body-container\">\n<div class=\"article-body wrapper\">\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<p><span>On paper, being a people-pleaser sounds great. Making other people happy? Doing pleasing things and everyone is pleased with you? Sign me up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>But the thing is \u2013 and I was as shocked as you \u2013 people-pleasing doesn\u2019t actually mean doing nice things or being considerate. No. It is booting down your own boundaries regularly because they matter to you less than someone else\u2019s wishes. It\u2019s erasing your needs because you think they make you difficult, and difficult people don\u2019t deserve love. It\u2019s shrinking yourself until you are a servant of their comfort and not much more besides.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>People-pleasing isn\u2019t uncommon, especially not in our shame-driven and punitive society. In this world, it can feel like protection against abandonment and pain. Many of us have even experienced a relationship or romance crashing down after the other person realised that we were real and imperfect and not automatons designed simply to make their life easier. But the thing is, these kinds of relationships <\/span><em><span>need<\/span><\/em><span> to end, and we as people in the dating pool <\/span><em><span>need<\/span><\/em><span> to be exposing potential partners to the messy, lovely reality of who we actually are. That\u2019s the only way we can know if they\u2019re actually up to the task of being with us, or will only waste our time and hurt our feelings. People-pleasing delays this reality.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<blockquote>\n<p><span>People-pleasing is also a very ineffective way to build a relationship. It\u2019s feeding someone false information and then expecting them to somehow get to know the real you<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<p><span>The other thing about people-pleasing is that it\u2019s actually not very pleasing for the other person at all. Having someone scan your every expression for flickers of disapproval that they can attach to and attempt to fix \u2013 it\u2019s a lot. It feels like someone is trying to control your reactions and your reality, massaging it all so that they might be made safe from judgment and shame (judgment and shame that has only really been coming from inside them). It\u2019s one thing to want to please the person you\u2019re dating and to enjoy it when they\u2019re happy \u2013 it\u2019s another when it\u2019s a compulsion, and when the idea of doing anything wrong or displeasing is unbearable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>As well as being quite annoying, people-pleasing is also a very ineffective way to build a relationship. It\u2019s feeding someone false information and then expecting them to somehow get to know the real you. It\u2019s like trying to help someone solve a puzzle but instead of handing them pieces, you\u2019re handing them little notes that say \u201care you still having a good time?\u201d. You can have empathy for yourself while still understanding that this is <\/span><em><span>madness<\/span><\/em><span> and it will not work. You will at best leave a pleasant but faint impression in their memory while they go in search of a person that they can actually know and love.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>So cut it out! But how?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>Well, it\u2019s a slow and compassionate process and one you shouldn\u2019t rush. Still, you might as well start. Take things slow. Consider your impulses toward them for more than one moment before acting. Bounce things off friends. Ask \u201cam I doing this because it\u2019s in my character and I have the bandwidth, or do I think if I don\u2019t do it I will be punished?\u201d. Go easy on the gifts and favours in the early days. Help them when you can, but don\u2019t solve their problems from the jump. Compromise on plans and meals and shared experiences, but don\u2019t put yourself second each and every time. If they love football but it bores you to tears, go occasionally but find something else to bond over. If you don\u2019t agree, don\u2019t say you do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<blockquote>\n<p><span>Re-establish contact with the part of yourself that <\/span><em><span>wants<\/span><\/em><span>, that has opinions and preferences and tastes. What pleases you? What is sexy and interesting and enjoyable to do with another person? Find out<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<p><span>It also matters that you re-establish contact with the part of yourself that <\/span><em><span>wants<\/span><\/em><span>, that has opinions and preferences and tastes. What pleases you? What is sexy and interesting and enjoyable to do with another person? Find out. When you\u2019ve just met someone, try and table the question of \u201cbut do they like me?\u201d until you\u2019ve actually found out if you like them. Dates are not auditions for your worthiness. They are opportunities to have fun, talk to a new person, and maybe put your pants on their bedroom floor.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>Another way to stop automatically pleasing others is to spend your energy pleasing yourself. If YOU like to catch up between dates, then catch up between dates. If YOU prefer not to endlessly text, then call them up and tell them. If YOU want to know something, ask. If YOU think someone ignoring your messages for days is rude then act accordingly and don\u2019t go out with that person anymore.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>People-pleasing can feel like protection against conflict and hurt, but actually, healthy conflict is a <\/span><em><span>part<\/span><\/em><span> of being safe in a relationship with someone else who is also safe with you. It\u2019s a way of saying \u201cwe\u2019ll try to understand one another even if it\u2019s hard\u201d and \u201cwe\u2019re going to matter the same amount here\u201d. It isn\u2019t always pleasant and there will be times when neither of you are thrilled. But what\u2019s the alternative? Always trying to shoulder two people\u2019s displeasure, divorcing your own needs and never really giving yourself a chance to be known? I don\u2019t think that sounds pleasing \u2013 for anyone involved \u2013 at all.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span><em>Read more of our \u2018How To Date When&#8230;\u2019 series <a href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/how-to-date-when\">here.<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"newsletter-inline-last\">\n<div class=\"newsletter-small\">\n<div class=\"inner\">\n<h1 class=\"newsletter-title\">Escape the algorithm! Get The Drop<\/h1>\n<div class=\"meta-row\">\n<p class=\"meta\">Get must-see stories direct to your inbox every weekday.<\/p>\n<p class=\"paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/privacy-policy\" class=\"meta-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><br \/>\nPrivacy policy<br \/>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"confirmation\" aria-live=\"polite\">\n<p class=\"confirmation-title\">Thank you. 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Get The Drop<\/h1>\n<div class=\"meta-row\">\n<p class=\"meta\">Get must-see stories direct to your inbox every weekday.<\/p>\n<p class=\"paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/privacy-policy\" class=\"meta-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><br \/>\nPrivacy policy<br \/>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"confirmation\" aria-live=\"polite\">\n<p class=\"confirmation-title\">Thank you. You have been subscribed<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/privacy-policy\" class=\"meta-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><br \/>\nPrivacy policy<br \/>\n<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/article>\n<div class=\"article-body wrapper\">\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<p><span>On paper, being a people-pleaser sounds great. Making other people happy? Doing pleasing things and everyone is pleased with you? Sign me up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>But the thing is \u2013 and I was as shocked as you \u2013 people-pleasing doesn\u2019t actually mean doing nice things or being considerate. No. It is booting down your own boundaries regularly because they matter to you less than someone else\u2019s wishes. It\u2019s erasing your needs because you think they make you difficult, and difficult people don\u2019t deserve love. It\u2019s shrinking yourself until you are a servant of their comfort and not much more besides.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>People-pleasing isn\u2019t uncommon, especially not in our shame-driven and punitive society. In this world, it can feel like protection against abandonment and pain. Many of us have even experienced a relationship or romance crashing down after the other person realised that we were real and imperfect and not automatons designed simply to make their life easier. But the thing is, these kinds of relationships <\/span><em><span>need<\/span><\/em><span> to end, and we as people in the dating pool <\/span><em><span>need<\/span><\/em><span> to be exposing potential partners to the messy, lovely reality of who we actually are. That\u2019s the only way we can know if they\u2019re actually up to the task of being with us, or will only waste our time and hurt our feelings. People-pleasing delays this reality.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<blockquote>\n<p><span>People-pleasing is also a very ineffective way to build a relationship. It\u2019s feeding someone false information and then expecting them to somehow get to know the real you<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<p><span>The other thing about people-pleasing is that it\u2019s actually not very pleasing for the other person at all. Having someone scan your every expression for flickers of disapproval that they can attach to and attempt to fix \u2013 it\u2019s a lot. It feels like someone is trying to control your reactions and your reality, massaging it all so that they might be made safe from judgment and shame (judgment and shame that has only really been coming from inside them). It\u2019s one thing to want to please the person you\u2019re dating and to enjoy it when they\u2019re happy \u2013 it\u2019s another when it\u2019s a compulsion, and when the idea of doing anything wrong or displeasing is unbearable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>As well as being quite annoying, people-pleasing is also a very ineffective way to build a relationship. It\u2019s feeding someone false information and then expecting them to somehow get to know the real you. It\u2019s like trying to help someone solve a puzzle but instead of handing them pieces, you\u2019re handing them little notes that say \u201care you still having a good time?\u201d. You can have empathy for yourself while still understanding that this is <\/span><em><span>madness<\/span><\/em><span> and it will not work. You will at best leave a pleasant but faint impression in their memory while they go in search of a person that they can actually know and love.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>So cut it out! But how?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>Well, it\u2019s a slow and compassionate process and one you shouldn\u2019t rush. Still, you might as well start. Take things slow. Consider your impulses toward them for more than one moment before acting. Bounce things off friends. Ask \u201cam I doing this because it\u2019s in my character and I have the bandwidth, or do I think if I don\u2019t do it I will be punished?\u201d. Go easy on the gifts and favours in the early days. Help them when you can, but don\u2019t solve their problems from the jump. Compromise on plans and meals and shared experiences, but don\u2019t put yourself second each and every time. If they love football but it bores you to tears, go occasionally but find something else to bond over. If you don\u2019t agree, don\u2019t say you do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<blockquote>\n<p><span>Re-establish contact with the part of yourself that <\/span><em><span>wants<\/span><\/em><span>, that has opinions and preferences and tastes. What pleases you? What is sexy and interesting and enjoyable to do with another person? Find out<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"embed-content\" data-embed-type=\"raw-html\">\n<p><span>It also matters that you re-establish contact with the part of yourself that <\/span><em><span>wants<\/span><\/em><span>, that has opinions and preferences and tastes. What pleases you? What is sexy and interesting and enjoyable to do with another person? Find out. When you\u2019ve just met someone, try and table the question of \u201cbut do they like me?\u201d until you\u2019ve actually found out if you like them. Dates are not auditions for your worthiness. They are opportunities to have fun, talk to a new person, and maybe put your pants on their bedroom floor.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>Another way to stop automatically pleasing others is to spend your energy pleasing yourself. If YOU like to catch up between dates, then catch up between dates. If YOU prefer not to endlessly text, then call them up and tell them. If YOU want to know something, ask. If YOU think someone ignoring your messages for days is rude then act accordingly and don\u2019t go out with that person anymore.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span>People-pleasing can feel like protection against conflict and hurt, but actually, healthy conflict is a <\/span><em><span>part<\/span><\/em><span> of being safe in a relationship with someone else who is also safe with you. It\u2019s a way of saying \u201cwe\u2019ll try to understand one another even if it\u2019s hard\u201d and \u201cwe\u2019re going to matter the same amount here\u201d. It isn\u2019t always pleasant and there will be times when neither of you are thrilled. But what\u2019s the alternative? Always trying to shoulder two people\u2019s displeasure, divorcing your own needs and never really giving yourself a chance to be known? I don\u2019t think that sounds pleasing \u2013 for anyone involved \u2013 at all.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span><em>Read more of our \u2018How To Date When&#8230;\u2019 series <a href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/how-to-date-when\">here.<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"newsletter-inline-last\">\n<div class=\"newsletter-small\">\n<div class=\"inner\">\n<h1 class=\"newsletter-title\">Escape the algorithm! Get The Drop<\/h1>\n<div class=\"meta-row\">\n<p class=\"meta\">Get must-see stories direct to your inbox every weekday.<\/p>\n<p class=\"paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/privacy-policy\" class=\"meta-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><br \/>\nPrivacy policy<br \/>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"confirmation\" aria-live=\"polite\">\n<p class=\"confirmation-title\">Thank you. You have been subscribed<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/privacy-policy\" class=\"meta-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><br \/>\nPrivacy policy<br \/>\n<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>[analyse_source url=&#8221;https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/life-culture\/article\/69723\/1\/how-to-date-a-people-pleaser-beth-mccoll-love-relationships-boundaries&#8221;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>[analyse_image type=&#8221;featured&#8221; src=&#8221;https:\/\/images-prod.dazeddigital.com\/1200\/127-0-1620-1080\/azure\/dazed-prod\/1430\/8\/1438515.png&#8221;] Harvey Wood March\u00a0 6,\u00a0 2026 Life &amp; Culture \/ How to date when&#8230; Life &amp; Culture \/ How to date when&#8230; How to date when&#8230; you\u2019re a people pleaser Do you struggle to share your wants and needs with your partner? Here, Beth McColl shares her best advice for getting comfortable with [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[226,76],"class_list":["post-1810854","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-politics","tag-crawlmanager","tag-dazeddigital-com"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1810854","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1810854"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1810854\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1810854"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1810854"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1810854"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}