{"id":1430475,"date":"2026-01-27T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-01-27T05:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/?p=1430475"},"modified":"2026-01-27T08:00:00","modified_gmt":"2026-01-27T05:00:00","slug":"hes-late-because-hes-having-an-affair-how-ocd-impacts-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/?p=1430475","title":{"rendered":"\u2018He\u2019s late because he\u2019s having an affair\u2019: how OCD impacts relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I\u2019m doing my nightly scroll on TikTok one Tuesday when I discover a phrase I\u2019ve never heard before, but feels distinctly familiar: relationship OCD (ROCD). Soon \u2013 as is so often the case on TikTok \u2013 my algorithm is full of videos exploring the topic. One user is explaining how they struggle with needing ongoing reassurance in their relationship; another is saying they avoid dating altogether because they experience so much fear around it. It\u2019s clear this is a mounting problem \u2013 and one many of us have been struggling with for some time now.<\/span><\/p>\n

ROCD is a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and refers to \u201can excessive and impairing level of fixation and preoccupation with one\u2019s relationship or the quality of the relationship,\u201d according to <\/span>Sheva Rajaee<\/span><\/a>, founder and director of <\/span>the Center for Anxiety and OCD<\/span><\/a> and author of <\/span>Relationship OCD<\/span><\/em>. As a long-term sufferer of OCD, it\u2019s important to point out that this is a debilitating and largely misunderstood mental illness, as well as one that takes many forms \u2013 in other words, it\u2019s not just \u2018the cleanliness disorder\u2019 it\u2019s usually misunderstood as.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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As I\u2019ve found, OCD thrives on an inability to cope with uncertainty \u2013 and relationships (particularly at the beginning) are full of uncertainty.\u00a0\u201cLike all forms of OCD, ROCD is defined by three core features: intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts or doubts (obsessions), repetitive behaviors or mental acts aimed at reducing distress or gaining certainty (compulsions), and significant suffering, functional impairment, or excessive mental preoccupation,\u201d explains <\/span>Ran Littman<\/span><\/a>, a clinical psychologist specialising in relationship OCD. These \u2018obsessions\u2019 might look like constant worrying about whether you\u2019re in the right relationship or are in love \u2018enough\u2019 with your partner. It can also manifest through feelings of intense anxiety over whether your partner loves <\/span>you<\/span><\/em> enough, and if they are going to leave you.<\/span><\/p>\n

The compulsions that follow can vary, but reassurance seeking \u2013 such as asking questions, like \u201cdo you still love me\u201d, or fixating on their behaviour, such as a lack of texting one day \u2013 is common. You may also find yourself internally ruminating rather than seeking external validation; either way, these compulsions seek temporary comfort and certainty, but really just perpetuate a seemingly never-ending cycle and cause more long-term distress (often for both parties).<\/span><\/p>\n

For 30-year-old Cara*, ROCD has put considerable strain on her current relationship. \u201cIt\u2019s horrible when it ruins what should be nice moments. I\u2019ve been at concerts or holidays and the intrusive thoughts have made it so that while I\u2019m physically there, mentally I\u2019m miles away and have a problem being present,\u201d she tells me. \u201cIt\u2019s also hard not being able to \u2018trust my gut\u2019, because my gut is always all over the place or acting out of fear.\u201d While her partner is supportive, \u201cit\u2019s only natural for them to think they\u2019ve done something wrong or to just feel horrible that they\u2019re making you so upset.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Anything I can possibly catastrophise, I will. I need a lot of affection and attention to feel valued and content<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

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28-year-old Amy\u2019s* ROCD, meanwhile, centres around catastrophising that something bad is bound to happen with her partner. \u201cMaybe he\u2019s going to die in a terrible accident on the way to work, or perhaps he\u2019s slightly late because he\u2019s having an affair. Anything I can possibly catastrophise, I will,\u201d she explains. \u201cI need a lot of affection and attention to feel valued and content.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

ROCD can be triggered by a number of things. While I\u2019ve found it helpful to see other sufferers speak frankly about their experiences of ROCD on social media, I\u2019m conscious that there\u2019s a lot of content on platforms like TikTok which can exacerbate things too. \u201cSocial media, dating apps, and constant exposure to curated snapshots of others\u2019 lives can easily feed fears of missing out and preoccupation with alternatives, which are central themes in ROCD,\u201d says Littman. Videos such as the ones that tell you \u2018if your man does XYZ [think: not text you good morning or buy you flowers every single day] means he hates you\u2019 can perpetuate ROCD fears and the need for reassurance.<\/span><\/p>\n

Other triggers can include past traumas (mine, for example, started after an ex\u2019s toxic behaviour, which was paired with my predisposition for other OCD subtypes), as well as new relationships or life changes that feel extra important. \u201cROCD tends to surface when something starts to matter: early attraction, commitment, moving in, marriage, children, midlife reckoning. The higher the stakes, the louder the demand for certainty,\u201d explains psychotherapist <\/span>Charlotte Fox Weber<\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Treatment for ROCD is multi-faceted, with therapy with a psychologist who specialises in OCD often being the first port-of-call, often paired with certain medications like antidepressants. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) are both regularly used. Exposure therapy (ERP) \u2013 which Cara has found to be most effective \u2013 is typically considered the gold standard for OCD these days, despite being deeply uncomfortable to begin with. \u201cIt involves deliberately and gradually confronting feared thoughts, images, or situations related to the relationship while refraining from reassurance, checking, or mental analysis,\u201d says Littman. \u201cOver time, this weakens the obsessive-compulsive cycle and allows people to engage more fully in their relationships.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As well as therapy and medication, the things I\u2019ve found to be most useful in dealing with symptoms of ROCD are certain self-regulation tools. I try to sit still with my anxieties, feel them and let them pass \u2013 no matter how scary. Over time, this takes away their power and allows me to focus on the real relationship in front of me. Journalling has also helped, as has joining support groups online. I also try to be wary of my \u2018gut\u2019 and understand the difference between listening to my intuition and my anxieties when it comes to my relationships, which people with OCD can often mix up. \u201cI advise clients to view their gut response with caution and to work on regulating before making big decisions about their relationships. Once their anxiety is better managed, they may learn to discern between anxious messages versus the calmer, less urgent voice of intuition,\u201d recommends Rajaee.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve also come to learn that the most successful recovery from ROCD happens when there\u2019s a duality in the self-work and being with a supportive, patient partner who will hold your hand along the way. Someone kind, understanding and non-judgmental (who also won\u2019t weaponise my mental health, and will always acknowledge real relationship concerns) is a non-negotiable for me. That said, it\u2019s crucial not to treat a partner as a built-in therapist or put too much pressure on them. An unhealthy amount of reassurance seeking or vocalising every fear that pops into your head will not lead to recovery. \u201cA good ROCD partner is not someone who enables and gives in to every request for reassurance,\u201d Rajaee surmises. \u201cBut rather, someone who supports you as <\/span>you <\/span><\/em>do the difficult task of tolerating the unknown at the heart of all relationships.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

*Name has been changed<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Source URL: https:\/\/www.dazeddigital.com\/life-culture\/article\/69406\/1\/how-ocd-impacts-relationships-rocd-tiktok-social-media-love-sex-dating<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m doing my nightly scroll on TikTok one Tuesday when I discover a phrase I\u2019ve never heard before, but feels distinctly familiar: relationship OCD (ROCD). Soon \u2013 as is so often the case on TikTok \u2013 my algorithm is full of videos exploring the topic. One user is explaining how they struggle with needing ongoing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[76],"class_list":["post-1430475","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-politics","tag-dazeddigital-com"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1430475","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1430475"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1430475\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1430475"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1430475"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/analyse.optim.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1430475"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}